I've mentioned this before. I will forever regret my decision to bring Zaffer to his vet for his final diagnostic procedures on December 29, 2022. It took so much out of his already ailing body and was the turning point to his rapid decline. His health and suffering intensified so very much from that day forward.

I've decided to post a portion of my notes about him that expresses some of my feelings during that period. I will preface that text portion by stating that once Zaffer came into my life, I gave him a number of nicknames. One of the first was "Zif-Zaf," which eventually spun into simply "Zif," then later into the affectionate variant "Ziffy." I actually ended up calling him Ziffy quite a lot during the bulk of our time together.

My feelings after Zaffer's turn for the worse following his biopsy procedures two years ago

On January 12, 2023, about 5 weeks before his final day, I admitted to myself Zaffer was dying and that I didn't know how to save him. On that day, I wrote the following in my personal notes:

While Ziffy has not yet physically left me, I'm finding that I already miss him beyond words... I am devasted! The pain I feel is unbearable. I pet him and talk to him but his responses are so minimal. Still, I'm convinced my happy dancing boy exists and is buried somewhere deep inside his ailing body. I just can't seem to reach him anymore. He's been my special companion for such a long time... I remember every detail of his personality so vividly and I adore him so very much. Where is he?

I used to look forward to his happy sounds (the adorable vocalizations he used to utter in response to our playful interactions and his frolicsome activities - he SO loved to have fun!). But I am now convinced I will never again hear those happy sounds, because all indications are he will never again be happy.

Sadly, Im also acutely aware of the following:

He will never again play on top of his cage - he can never again even be inside of his cage...

He will never again dance to his favorite songs...

He will never again become excited when I return home from being away...

He will never again cuddle with me...

He will never again sleep on my chest...

He will never again sit on my shoulder and preen my cheek and neck with his beak...

There is so much about him that I will miss for the remainder of my life. I am no longer even able to weigh my sweet, cherished friend on his scale because now he's unable to step onto the scale's perch - he can no longer stand and balance and he's so uncomfortable.

As if all of the above weren't enough, I know that during the short time we have left he will never quite trust me again, since I must force him to take daily pain medications. He considers the process torturous... but he needs the meds each day until he's gone.

Life has become pure HELL!
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