Still thinking of Zaffer

[PlaxMacaws]

It sounds as if you are carrying some guilt for thinking you weren’t able to provide enough love and care to save him?

Well, I know there was no lack in my love for Zaf. My love for him was limitless and unconditional. But as for guilt over my care choices, yes, I do feel it and struggle over it. Could I have saved him if I chose a different path? As you've suggested, that guilt is certainly from not being able to save him. But it's also because I feel that some of the decisions I made and actions I took may have resulted in greater suffering for him and even additional illness and physical impairment (beyond his cancer). There were some things that could have been attempted but which I couldn't find the means to achieve. However, though, had I found some way to implement such plans, I can't know if they would have resulted in even greater suffering and greater horror for him... or perhaps even resulted in his death all alone among strangers (instead of with me). There seem no settling answers

I wish for better days ahead for you.

Thank you, Helena