It's been exactly one year since Zaffer took his last breath (February 20, 2023). He was an immensely important part of my life - I loved him dearly! Some say coping with such a great loss should become easier with time. So far, however, my incredible pain from losing Zaf has been persistent and torturous beyond measure. I relive our bond and his loving companionship in my mind daily. It often seems like my sweet blue boy was here with me just yesterday. But there's an ever-present element that simultaneously makes it feel like he's been gone for an eternity. I'm unsure how it can feel both ways at once... but it does. There are so many triggers for the deep feelings I have for, and about, that beautiful blue bundle of love. Nearly everything reminds me of him! It's quite a challenge to try and cope with such emotional intensity. I have not been doing it well.
This past week, I finally tore down Zaf's cage. It was an incredibly difficult thing to make myself do. I plan to move the cage to another location and give it to Salsa (for now, at least). It's bigger than Salsa's current cage - although Salsa spends most of each day out on his playstand. We'll have to see if this new role for Zaf's cage serves as an improvement for the overall situation here once Sals becomes sufficiently acclimated to the change. If it doesn't work out, I can always give Sals his old cage back. He and Jack both have brand-new java trees as well. Since life involves ever-changing particulars, I find that adjustment time is often necessary. I will try and keep them as happy as possible without Zaf. Salsa misses him a lot, too.
I have concluded that I should not have given Zaffer the antifungal medication (fluconazole) or subjected him to the punch biopsy procedure. I probably should not have even subjected him to the full-body CT scan procedure. The fluconazole effectively poisoned his system, resulting in chronic polyuria/polydipsia - which no vet's guidance was able to resolve. It took a harshly extreme physical toll on him. That debilitating and torturous impact said medication inflicted on my sweet blue friend combined with the fact that the diagnostic procedures he underwent were as well hugely traumatic for him (both physically and emotionally) resulted in far more than his already weakened system could handle. I will regret my decisions in this regard for the rest of my life! Zaffer was a strong, resilient bird. He threw off his severe respiratory infection, and thus his coughing fits had ended, only to be overtaken by the fluconazole poisoning and the harsh procedural stressors. If not for those factors (intended to help him), I am convinced, at the very least, he would have been with me longer with far less suffering involved. Hindsight is certainly an unforgiving thing.
Zaffer didn't understand why he had been hurled into an ongoing state of pain and suffering. He had always been a bird who was full of love and loved being alive. Some things he didn't love, though, were veterinary personnel or their facilities. He was absolutely terrified of clinics and clinicians. Yet such places were precisely where I forced him to go and ultimately where he would leave this world. On his final day, exactly one year ago, the vet instructed me to give him (via syringe through his nares) a large amount of prepared solution. The solution was a cocktail of the sedatives midazolam and ketamine. I was told to use the full amount provided. I thus did so. I will never forget Zaf looking directly at me while I flooded his sinuses with the stuff. The expression on his face conveyed the following message: "Why are you doing this to me?" He was so very weak and thus unable to resist. I felt it was the right thing to do since he was apparently dying... but I also somehow felt it was the wrong thing to do. I will forever be haunted by that event and by my ambivalence
My message to you, Zaffer:
Logic tells me that you have been erased from our universe. If I am wrong - and I so hope I am - please know that I love and miss you with all my heart. I adore you from the core of my being!
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