It somehow feels as if Zaffer were alive and vibrant only days ago...

[PlaxMacaws]

yet it also feels as if he's been gone for an eternity

It was on this day last year (September 4, 2022) that I discovered an asymmetry of Zaffer's palate pad. This observation was quite unsettling for me since I was certain both sides had always appeared symmetrical. The enlargement was in fact his malignant tumor developing. I remember my feelings of dread speculating it may be an indicator his life would soon end. And so tragically, that's what was to actually occur. He would live for just 5 and a half more months

[Dragonlady2]

My own experience with the death of a family pet is that they are always around even though I don’t consciously think about them. I have a lot of photos on my IPad and will occasionally look at them. That’s when it feels like they are still around. Zaffer will always be present in your mind, heart and soul. As time passes, these feelings/thoughts will ebb and flow. That’s just my experience. They don’t disappear but become less intense. Hopefully your journey through grief will become less intense over time.

[PlaxMacaws]

Thank you, Helena. I do understand that's the typical experience and common wisdom concerning these things. However, I somehow dread the very process you've described. I may have mentioned this before, but I'll try and explain why the idea of said process affords me no comfort.

For me, anticipating how my feelings about losing Zaffer may become less intense with time feels like it will seem I am moving farther and farther away from him and those many cherished experiences we enjoyed together. I so treasure each and every detail of them! So many of them seem as if they happened just yesterday. I don't want them to begin to feel as if they happened long ago... or to even gradually fade. In fact, it will be disturbing for me if/when their intensity diminishes even slightly. If it does, I know I'll feel a measure of guilt and long for the full intensity I've lost (even considering how painful it has been for me in Zaf's absence). There thus seems no best path in my case.

Zaffer was more important to me than I expect most people can imagine.

[PlaxMacaws]

Remembering my discovery of Zaffer's palate mass beginning to emerge on this day (September 4) in 2022. I miss my boy


Zaf in 2013 with his healing broken leg encased in a vet-wrapped cast