Still thinking of Zaffer

[PlaxMacaws]

As of yesterday (11/30/23), it has been one full year since Zaffer had his CT scan. That day was extremely stressful for him (and me), as were each of his multitude of other diagnostic procedures through the months. I try to think of our happy times. But my memories of Zaf's pain, fear, and suffering tend to ruin the chance for any sense of contentment from those pleasant recollections of our loving moments. My days are filled with agony and sorrow remembering my sweet blue companion and the horrors he encountered. I keep it all mostly to myself... but sometimes the need to express my plight overwhelms me.

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He was always so in tune with me.

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His very favorite place to sleep (my chest)!

[Dragonlady2]

I wish there was an easy way to travel through the grief journey. I have had similar experiences and in particular our last dog who died of cancer. I know her last days were pain-filled, but I also know she was aware of our love for her. She lived a pretty happy life with us although there were a few vet visits.
I believe animals/pets that have significant relationships with their human, also experience safety, security and trust, along with their love for us. I don’t doubt that Zaffer experienced that in spades. Animals know. Perhaps thinking about those times with Zaffer will ease some of the grief. It sounds as if you are carrying some guilt for thinking you weren’t able to provide enough love and care to save him?

I wish for better days ahead for you.

[PlaxMacaws]

It sounds as if you are carrying some guilt for thinking you weren’t able to provide enough love and care to save him?Well, I know there was no lack in my love for Zaf. My love for him was limitless and unconditional! But as for guilt over my care choices, yes, I do feel it and struggle over it. Could I have saved him if I chose a different path? As you've suggested, that guilt is certainly from not being able to save him. But it's also because I feel that some of the decisions I made and actions I took may have resulted in greater suffering for him and even additional illness and physical impairment (beyond his cancer). There were some things that could have been attempted but which I couldn't find the means to achieve. However, though, had I found some way to implement such plans, I can't know if they would have resulted in even greater suffering and greater horror for him... or perhaps even resulted in his death all alone among strangers (instead of with me). There seem no settling answers :(


I wish for better days ahead for you.Thank you, Helena