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Turquoise
07-18-2013, 07:41 AM
Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy,
cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither
of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace
for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign
from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil people. :devilish:

Honesty
07-18-2013, 07:46 AM
:ROFLMAODog: Good one De'Andrea :)

Honesty
07-18-2013, 08:15 AM
This one made me laugh:)


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!" :th_toofunny:

Turquoise
07-18-2013, 08:46 AM
:th_toofunny: That one is awesome Wendy! I think we are on a roll here. This is gonna' be fun cause I have a few more I can come up with. And if we can get everyone else posting them too, it will be hilarious! :th_biggrin:

Honesty
07-18-2013, 09:22 AM
I have a few more too :th_hehe:

Honesty
07-19-2013, 08:25 AM
Here is another one:)


I have Contacts
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”.

Turquoise
07-24-2013, 06:42 AM
The Cowboy


Cowboy
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked a cowboy at the Pearly Gates.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

Turquoise
07-24-2013, 06:47 AM
Biology Exam
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.

Honesty
07-24-2013, 07:35 AM
:ROFLMAODog:Good one De'Andrea!

Honesty
07-24-2013, 07:41 AM
One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students. For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases,write them down then give them back to her the next day.

So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase.

"Shut up!!!", exclaimed the mom.

Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase.

"Bada bada BATMAN!!!", laughed the brother.

Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a phrase.

"Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!", complained the janitor.

Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a phrase.

"My buns are burning, my buns are burning!", shouted the baker.

The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk

"Do you have your four phrases", asked the Teacher?

"Shut up!", shouted the student.

The teacher felling very hurt asked,
"Who do you think you are!?"

"Bada bada BATMAN", laughed the student.

"What are you getting out of all this school?", asked the teacher.

"Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!"

Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

Turquoise
07-24-2013, 07:51 AM
:th_toofunny: I guess that teacher will be a bit careful about future assignments.:th_LOL:

Turquoise
07-24-2013, 07:53 AM
Fire Water

Boudreaux and Trosclaire were a couple of drinking buddies who
worked as aircraft mechanics at De Bayou Teche, Louisiana
International Airport.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
hanger with nothing to do. Boudreaux say, "Man, I wish we had
somethin' to drink!"

Trosclaire say, "Me too. Ya' know, I've been told you can drink
de jet fuel and get a buzz."

So dey pour demselves a couple of Jet A and get completely smashed.
De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef' up and is surprise at how
good he feel. In fact, he feel GREAT! No hangover! No bad side effects.

Nuttin'! Then de phone ring. It's Trosclaire.

Trosclaire say, "Hey, how you are this mornin'?" Boudreaux say, "Man
I feel great, how 'bout you?"

Trosclaire say, "I feel great too." "You don' have no hangover?"

Boudreaux say, "No, dat jet fuel is great stuff...no hangover, nuttin'."
"We ought to do dis more often."

Trosclaire say, "Yeah, well dey's just one t'ing."

"What's dat?"

"Have you passed gas yet?"

Boudreaux say, "No, why?"

"Well, DON"T!!...cause I started out in me toilet dis mornin', an' now I be in Shreveport!

Turquoise
07-26-2013, 07:33 AM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!

Honesty
07-26-2013, 08:00 AM
LOL, another good one:)

Turquoise
08-01-2013, 05:00 AM
July 14, 2013 by iamatexan1
The Texan Cowboy in the South Dakota Saloon

Author Unknown

The Texas cowboy rode into the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. He stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished
his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

“WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“ALRIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I
FINNISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go … what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk”.

Debra
08-01-2013, 01:30 PM
That's so funny!

Maddy
08-01-2013, 02:22 PM
THE COURTEOUS PARROT

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

- - - Updated - - -

FLYING FOOLS

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

- - - Updated - - -

RUDE PARROT

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and ruder.

Jon in desperation threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate behavior."

"I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior".

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did?

- - - Updated - - -

CREATION

On the first day of creation, God created the parrot.

On the second day, God created man to serve the parrot.

On the third day, God created all the vegetables and nuts of the earth to serve as potential food for the parrot.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the parrot.

On the fifth day, God created cables and ropes so that the parrot could chew through them.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the parrot healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to clean the parrot cages...

Maddy
08-01-2013, 02:23 PM
PET SHOP PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does it cost so much?" asks the customer.

"Well," the owner explains, "that parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is informed that it costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot.

"$4,000," says the shop owner proudly.

"Wow!" the customer exclaims. "What can he do?!"

"To be honest," the shop owner admits, "I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

- - - Updated - - -

THE PLUMBER

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot (did I mention she had a parrot?) said, "Who is it?". He replied, "It's the plumber.".

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?". He said, "It's the plumber!".
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?". He said, "IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!!!!!!".

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "WHO IS IT?!".

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

- - - Updated - - -

JESUS IS WATCHING

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He heard again, "Jesus is watching you." This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that’s all."

The burglar sad, "Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses?”

The bird answered, "The same idiot who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus”……

Maddy
08-01-2013, 02:25 PM
GOLFING PARROT


A golfer took a vacation in Florida. He was a big bettor and always had at least $500 riding on each round. He asked at the pro shop if there was anyone around who liked a little competition, and the pro introduced him to a man named Joe.

"Is Joe a good golfer?" the man asked when Joe left to get his clubs.

"He doesn’t look that good but he always seems to win his matches," the pro replied.

The man met Joe on the first tee, and they agreed to play for $500. On the first tee, Joe hooked his drive into the water, and the vacationer won the hole. On the next hole, Joe topped his drive and then shanked his second shot into the trees. The man won that hole, too. On the next tee Joe took off his hat and scratched his head. When he did that, a big parrot flew up and lighted in a nearby tree. "Want to double the bet?" Joe asked.

"Sure," the vacationer said, already counting his winnings as he stepped up to the tee. On the top of his back swing, the parrot made a noise like a train whistle, and the vacationer wiffed the ball and lost the hole. On the next hole, which required a second shot over a pond, the vacationer selected his iron when the parrot said, "Five iron’s too much." The player changed to a six and hit it into the water. While the man was putting on one hole, the parrot said, "It breaks to the left," but the putt broke right. The man missed it to go three down. By the 18th hole, the vacationer was ten down to Joe and glaring at the bird.

"What do I need to do to get rid of that lousy parrot?" he said to nobody in particular.

"Just pay me $100 more than Joe does," the bird said.

- - - Updated - - -

CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT

A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

- - - Updated - - -

A lady takes her parrot to the Vet. The Vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the woman, "How can you know that. You haven't examined it or anything."

The Vet heaves a long-suffering sigh, places the parrot on the examination table, opens the door and whistles. At this, a labrador dog bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, sniffs at the parrot, looks up and shakes its head sadly.

Then the Vet gives another whistle and a cat comes into the room, springs up onto the table, sniffs the parrot and then shakes its head sadly.

"Well I'm terribly sorry Mrs Jones but there can be no doubt about it. Polly is dead."

"Well, it's devastating news but thank you. How much do I owe you?" "That will be six hundred and forty two pounds please." "How much?" cried the woman in shock. "That's far too much money!"

"Well it's your own fault," Said the Vet, "If you had believed me in the first place it would only have been twenty pounds. But you insisted on a Lab report and a Cat scan!"

Turquoise
08-01-2013, 06:48 PM
Those are great Maddy!! Thanks for sharing them here. I had a good laugh over these. :th_biggrin:

coltfire
08-01-2013, 10:19 PM
good one maddy

Turquoise
08-03-2013, 08:55 AM
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

Turquoise
08-11-2013, 09:24 AM
About those Church Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little
different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single
word and you are going to help me preach."


"Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said "POWER."The congregation sang
'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'


The Pastor said "SEX."The congregation fell into total
silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began
to look around at each other afraid to say anything.


Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to
sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES'

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

Debra
08-11-2013, 12:48 PM
De' that is good! I loved it.

Honesty
08-11-2013, 01:31 PM
:th_toofunny:Love the last 2 De'Andrea:)

Blancaej
08-11-2013, 03:27 PM
I can't believe I've missed this thread all this time! Didn't have time to read them all, but the ones I did read were hilarious! Thanks for sharing everyone! :th_loltears:

Turquoise
08-17-2013, 05:39 AM
Two Texans and an Oklahoma Sooner go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side and let him go.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Oklahoma Sooner Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

Debra
08-17-2013, 12:59 PM
Oh, that's good De'Andrea! I emailed that to my hubby as he's from Oklahoma and is a huge Sooner fan. lol

Turquoise
08-18-2013, 11:38 AM
Subject: So, what's the problem?

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF
THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping.

Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the
other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell,
but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am
coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming
to live with you.

Turquoise
08-20-2013, 06:31 AM
THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya.
If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

People actually grow,eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do
like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is..

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

Debra
08-20-2013, 10:13 AM
And I read them thinking "these are facts, what is the joke in this?". lol

Turquoise
08-20-2013, 10:40 AM
To you & me Debra they are facts~~To our 'non' Texas folks they are jokes. :th_LOL:

My friend in Buffalo, NY is always laughing at me when I talk to her on the phone on how I say things.

Turquoise
08-27-2013, 10:11 AM
Yesterday I was at the Villages Publix buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,
Owen the Wonder Dog,and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had-- an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse,
I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants
pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no,
I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to
have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Publix won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say!

jacksmom
08-27-2013, 12:06 PM
Heh, oh, man, I want to hang out with you, Turquoise, you are a TRIP! :) Thanks for that! :)

Honesty
09-04-2013, 07:22 PM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." :th_hehe:



Another one:)



A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Turquoise
09-05-2013, 08:09 AM
:ROFLMAODog: Love 'em Wendy!! Maybe that blonde wasn't so 'dumb' after all!! :th_hehe:

Turquoise
09-05-2013, 10:44 AM
Senior Wedding



Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they
go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Honesty
09-05-2013, 12:08 PM
:th_pinklol::th_pinklol: I love this one De'Andrea :)

coltfire
09-05-2013, 03:42 PM
like it very much lol

Honesty
09-05-2013, 08:31 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'[Users must be registered and logged in to view attached photos or hyperlinks] :th_toofunny:

Turquoise
09-12-2013, 06:28 AM
:th_loltears:Oh My Wendy, you outdid yourself with your ostrich one!! I didn't expect that for the ending. :th_rofl:




DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said 'Disneyland': 'LEFT'.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon ?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ???'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you !'

RIVER WALK
This blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank,
'Yoo-hoo !' she shouts, 'How do I get to the other side ?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible !' says the doctor... 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you ?'
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting !
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and the screaking siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO !' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF !'

BLONDE
ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space !'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon !'
The Blonde said, 'So what ? We're going to be the first on the sun !'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot ! You'll burn up !' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. . . .We're going at night !'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it ?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off ?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES !
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
she asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that ?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs !'


=

Honesty
09-12-2013, 07:41 AM
Brilliant ones De :) I think the blonde jokes are the best :)

coltfire
09-12-2013, 12:11 PM
well i had a laugh

Turquoise
09-13-2013, 05:10 AM
ARAPROSDOKIANS
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

coltfire
09-13-2013, 06:12 AM
i like them.

Turquoise
09-13-2013, 07:33 AM
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Honesty
09-13-2013, 12:41 PM
:ROFLMAODog:

Honesty
09-19-2013, 08:52 PM
Parrot at Auction

One day David went to an auction. While he was there, he bid for a parrot. David really wanted this bird, so he got caught up and thoroughly involved in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he had bid much more than he had intended, David won the bid; the parrot was his at last.

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, 'I hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!'

'Don't worry.' said the auctioneer, 'He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?'

Turquoise
09-20-2013, 10:29 AM
:th_loltears: That would be my luck if I went to an auction!!! :th_faint:

Turquoise
10-23-2013, 04:22 AM
One day a little girl asked her mama, "Mama, how did the human race come about?"
Her Mama answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her daddy the same question.
The daddy answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused little girl returns to her mother and says, "Mama, how is it possible that you told me
that the human race was created by God , and Daddy says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mama answers, "Well, sweetheart, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family,
and your father told you about his side."

Turquoise
10-23-2013, 04:26 AM
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Turquoise
11-23-2013, 02:44 PM
WINTER FUNNY:
In late fall, the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new
chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society & had never been taught the old secrets,
when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going
to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he decided to call the National Weather
Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter
is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters
we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a record amount of firewood :th_hehe:

Turquoise
11-23-2013, 03:08 PM
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A Hunter's Lament
By De'Andrea Priddy

The moose is in the woods just a chewin' his cud.
He knows not what fate awaits him.

The hunter's in the glen, he's one of three men.
And they've come to this place on a whim.

One hunter's on the loose. He's a fixin' ta bag him a
moose when the other two come crashing in.

By the time it's all over, the moose is in tall clover.
And the three hunters limp home to their cabin!

Honesty
11-23-2013, 03:23 PM
[Users must be registered and logged in to view attached photos or hyperlinks] them De'Andrea!

Honesty
12-19-2013, 09:45 PM
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

[Users must be registered and logged in to view attached photos or hyperlinks]

coltfire
12-19-2013, 11:43 PM
love it roflmao.

kendrafitz
12-20-2013, 01:26 AM
HAHAHAHA!! Very funny, thanks for the chuckle!!

spiritbird
01-06-2014, 06:45 PM
My attempt at humor: 1749

Honesty
01-06-2014, 08:09 PM
:th_hehe: Good one Dianne :)

Honesty
03-15-2014, 08:52 PM
I saw this joke on FB! I just thought it was hilarious :th_loltears:

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Maddy
03-16-2014, 12:26 AM
I saw this joke on FB! I just thought it was hilarious :th_loltears:

[Users must be registered and logged in to view attached photos or hyperlinks]

:th_loltears: That is hilarious!

Turquoise
03-16-2014, 08:07 AM
That one is super Wendy!! :th_rofl:

It reminds me of back when cell phones were just beginning to be popular and I was looking at something on a shelf in a store. I heard someone behind me talking and I turned around saying "What?" The lady gave me a very dirty look and moved away quickly. She was talking to someone on her cell phone, not me. :ROFLMAODog:

Honesty
03-27-2014, 06:33 PM
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Turquoise
03-31-2014, 11:49 AM
Phyllis Diller Quotes:

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

- - - Updated - - -

Phyllis Diller Quotes:

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller